Love isn’t enough. Words matter more than we admit.
We think we’re being helpful. Warm. Connected. Ann-Louise Lockhart, the president of A New Day Pediatric Psychology, calls it an environment where grandkids might just feel insecure instead. Even if the comment comes from a place of pure affection, the landing spot can be awkward. Uncomfortable.
Lockhart says intention matters. Words shape how a child sees themselves. They shape how they see you. It is hard to unlearn a habit of speaking, but necessary. Andrea Dorn, a therapist who writes the Mindful Steps books, insists it’s never too late. Slipped up last week? Don’t beat yourself up. Start now.
Secrets Breed Walls
“Don’t tell your parents.”
We say it with a wink. Usually while slipping them an extra cookie or letting them stay up late. It feels like bonding. Zainab Delawalla, a clinical psychologist in Atlanta, calls it dangerous. She notes that undermining parental authority has long-standing consequences. Kids start to learn that hiding things is their “best interest.”
That is a terrifying lesson to teach a child. Especially if they are being bullied. Or groomed. Or just sad. They might learn to keep their real feelings secret because the adults taught them that honesty with parents is negotiable.
Keep the boundaries clear. Find other ways to be fun that don’t involve crossing lines the parents set.
The Body is Not a News Headline
“You’re getting so big!”
“Have you put on weight?”
“You’re so tall compared to your brother!”
Hard no. Lockhart says comments on body image wreck self-esteem. Children hear these things. Adults still remember them years later. Dorn points out that focusing on looks puts external features above internal traits.
We should want kids to feel confident in their skin. Not worried about their hip measurements or their height percentile.
Instead? Ask how they are. Ask what they like.
“It’s wonderful to see you,” works wonders. “What have you been up to?” is even better. Dorn suggests we get interested in who they are, not what they look like. It sends a message that their worth is intrinsic. Right now. As they are.
Don’t Police the Plate
“You ate more than me.”
“Clean your plate.”
“Why is half your food left?”
Silence is golden here. Dorn says kids need to learn hunger cues. Judging their eating habits forces them to react to your opinion instead of their body. It can trigger shame. Confusion. A lifetime of messy relationships with food.
We don’t need to comment. If we must speak, focus on listening to one’s own body. Model it. Eat when you’re hungry. Stop when you’re full. Your action speaks louder than any lecture about “good habits.”
Spoiled or Misparented?
“You’re so spoiled.”
You see a kid throw a tantrum over a broken gift. You see entitlement. The easy joke is that they are rotten. Ryan Howes, a psychologist in Pasadena, thinks it’s unfair to label the kid. Behavior is usually modeled. Or reinforced by parents.
It might not be the child. It might be the parenting. Blaming the grandchild doesn’t help. Keep the judgment in your head. If it bothers you, talk to the parents. Don’t perform your frustration for the audience.
Consent Isn’t Negotiable
“Give Grandma a hug.”
You are excited. They are cute. Hugs feel natural. Dorn argues that demanding affection strips away autonomy. It pressures kids to abandon their bodily boundaries for adult comfort.
That is confusing about consent.
Ask first. “I’d love a hug, is that okay?” If the answer is no? Accept it. Don’t guilt-trip them with “But I’m your grandma.” Just say “Okay! I love you.”
Dorn says kids crave self-determination. Letting them say no teaches them their bodies are their own. Offer a wave. A fist bump. A high five. It keeps the mood light while respecting the child’s space. Physical affection is a choice. Always has been.
Stop Correcting The Parents
“Your parents are wrong.”
Parenting changes. Generations differ. Howes says pointing this out often looks like shaming. You imply your way was right and theirs is wrong. You imply something is broken.
Unless the child is in immediate danger? Keep it to yourself. Even if you spot blind spots, take it up with the adults. Don’t debate parenting strategies with the recipient. It creates anxiety. It divides the family.
There are plenty of other topics to discuss. This one just causes damage. 🛑
