Comedian Tig Notaro recently shared a relatable parenting truth that resonates with countless families: she was, for a significant period, the “not favorite parent” to her twin boys. Speaking on the Parent Chat With Dylan Dreyer podcast, Notaro described this dynamic not with drama, but with a matter-of-fact acceptance. She attributed the preference to differing parenting styles—she tends toward structure and rigidity, while her wife, Stephanie Allynne, offers a calmer, more flexible energy. Children, naturally, gravitate toward the parent who feels most “easy” or regulating in the moment.
This admission highlights a widespread yet often unspoken phenomenon in modern families. Whether due to scheduling logistics, temperament matches, or differing caregiving approaches, it is common for one parent to become the “default” for routine tasks while the other becomes the preferred companion for play or comfort.
The Psychology Behind Parental Preference
Understanding why children exhibit these preferences requires looking at developmental psychology rather than personal rejection. Martina Nova, a therapist specializing in parenthood based in British Columbia, explains that parental preference is not only common but developmentally expected, particularly during the toddler and preschool years.
“Kids don’t have the internal capacity to self-regulate yet, so they rely heavily on co-regulation. They seek out the parent whose presence helps their nervous system settle most easily in that moment.”
This means a child’s choice is rarely about love or loyalty. Instead, it is a biological response to nervous system regulation. A child may prefer one parent for bedtime because that parent’s energy feels more soothing, or another for play because their energy feels more stimulating. This dynamic can be even more pronounced in neurodivergent or highly sensitive children, whose nervous systems may require very specific types of support to feel safe.
Reframing “Favoritism”
The concept of a “favorite parent” is often misunderstood as a slight against the other caregiver. However, experts suggest a crucial reframe: children are not choosing a person; they are responding to an energy.
Historically, gender roles in heteronormative households often dictated these dynamics, with mothers handling emotional regulation and fathers handling play and exploration. While these roles are shifting as more fathers and non-birthing partners step into emotional caregiving, the underlying principle remains: children benefit from different approaches.
- Structure vs. Flexibility: One parent may provide the routine that creates security, while the other provides the spontaneity that fosters joy.
- Different Needs, Different Responses: A child might go to one parent for comfort when hurt, and the other for help with homework or play.
What Parents Should Know
It is natural to feel hurt or rejected when a child consistently reaches for their other parent. Nova notes that this can activate deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or fear of not being “enough.” However, this feeling is valid but often misdirected.
Here are key takeaways for navigating this dynamic:
- It Is Not Personal: A child’s preference is a reflection of their current developmental needs and regulatory states, not a judgment of your worth as a parent.
- Avoid Competition: Trying to “win” a child’s affection or forcing closeness can backfire. Authentic connection grows from natural interactions, not forced engagement.
- Look for Balance, Not Equality: You do not need to be identical to your co-parent. In fact, diversity in parenting styles provides children with a richer toolkit for navigating the world.
- Watch for Red Flags: While preference is normal, concern is warranted if the preference becomes rigidly exclusionary over a long period, or if there are signs of distress, lack of repair, or consistent exclusion of one parent from bonding moments.
Conclusion
Being the “not favorite parent” at any given moment does not mean you are less loved or less effective. It simply means your co-parent’s energy may currently align better with your child’s immediate needs for regulation or fun. As children grow and their needs evolve, these dynamics will shift. The goal is not to eliminate preference, but to ensure that both parents remain accessible, attuned, and secure sources of love and support.
